I didn't mean to alarm you.

It wasn't intended to make anyone feel sad. It wasn't intended to do anything except to convey that part of the difficulty I have with writing lately is that I'm in 'experience mode'. And I'm happy. Christ, I'm HAPPY (?!). At 530am no less, with a 12 hour shift ahead of me. I may not leave them the next brilliant work of art to read that will change their lives twenty years after I'm dead, but personally, I really don't think they're worthy of that. If they're paying attention, if they have the eyes, to see, honey, I (WE) can change their lives right. Now. <3

I feel like maybe I advertised myself falsely. I thought I liked to write, I thought I was good at communicating myself that way. But ever since I met you, I've had the most frustrating case of writer's block. Frustrating in that I get frustrated when I think about it, but I don't think about it. Ever. I'm too busy absorbing the experience that I don't want to take any effort away from the feeling of what's here right now. And I'm afraid that if I turn my back on it, if I stop bathing in it, it will disappear. That's ridiculous, I know. But see, it's not. Because I just read what you wrote, and now I don't want to do anything besides sit behind you and play Super Mario World, while you talk in your best 'Vietnam Vet' voice about killing Americans, and Egyptian Jasmine floats around the kitchen, and the peace that I've found here with you (the peace I was telling you about this morning, remember? It's profound.) emanates from and inundates everything in a cycle around me. I love you. Maybe Plants vs. Zombies....

Sometimes the best years start off as the worst years. And some of the worst years start off the best. This year, I am going to refuse to make a value judgement. We put so much importance on the idea of 'New Year'. We end each one trying to bring it into perspective, and honestly, no matter what's happened to us, we can choose to frame it however we want to. "2010 was the year my career tanked." vs. "2010 was the year I received a new opportunity to explore other directions for my life". "2010 was the year my relationship ended" vs. 2010 was the year I shed a layer of skin that no longer fit me." Regardless of the challenges we faced, there is always the possibility of redemption through language. The language, when repeated becomes an idea, which becomes a belief, which becomes our reality....which is unique and exclusive to each individual. We can use that process to the advantage of creating the environment around us to be a positive, healing, nurturing one, rather than an atmosphere where there is only fear, hate, and negativity. Here's to 2011.

Someday, they're going to figure me out.

Sooooo.... Do you know what BKAT stands for? Basic Knowledge and Assessment Tool. Except it's anything but basic. Unfortunately, if I were I an ICU nurse, I would think that it was. Fortunately, I am not an ICU nurse. Yet. I got a 73% on that fucking thing, the worst test grade I've received since Mr. Hays told me after my high school algebra final that if I had come within 10% of passing the test, he would have passed me in the class. I think I got a 30 something. I'm not a math person. But I AM a nurse. And I have been for two and a half years. I should know most of this stuff, after all, we're always talking about how the IMSU has just as high of an acuity as the ICU's do. Mostly. I'm still trying to convince myself that I failed because I haven't seen a Swan line since 2008, or because I don't know where a PAOP measures pressure. But I'm not buying it. MONA. But the morphine isn't an initial treatment for angina pectoris. I need a new job. I need a new career. I need to start creating my own reality. I'm intelligent and creative enough that I shouldn't have to buy into everyone else's real world. There has to be a way out. These patients (or more often their families) don't understand that all this stuff doesn't really matter, that we're all just buying time, and some of us at a higher cost than others. I'll break my neck to titrate a levophed drip to perfection (maintaining a MAP of 65), know all the signs of increased intracranial pressure before it ever happens, and perform flawless trach care. I can (given the necessary orders) provide interventions that will perform (given the necessary machinery) every function that the miraculous human body is designed to perform. Kidneys, clean. Lungs, ventilate. Heart, pump. But that's not life. It's just mechanics. I've got my eye on something bigger.

Happy Holidays!

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." --Mohandas Gandhi

I am not a Christian. Not long ago, it broke my heart to say that. I cannot testify with any conviction that Jesus Christ, son of God, was born of the Virgin Mary to absolve me of my sins on the cross. I wasn't there, and there's a disturbing lack of evidence aside from a book written by a bunch of guys who were 'divinely inspired'. I tried to believe. I really, really wanted to, but the empirical data to the contrary was overwhelming. It was hard for me to do this, and a journey that I neither wanted nor chose, but was compelled to undertake, nonetheless. I've devised my own simple theory, which I will not go into detail about here. I believe in Christ's example as much as any Christian. I believe that his message and actions provide an excellent example of the only hope for salvation that humanity has; however, I believe the same of several other people. It's hard to keep this post from digressing into an assault of the beliefs of those who would seek to discredit my own. I've heard so much criticism of the ideas that I hold closely and quietly to myself, especially during this holiday season, which by the standards of any religion is set aside to celebrate love and salvation from darkness. Fir trees were not created for the express purpose of being adorned with lights and ornaments and hovering over mountains of gifts in celebration of the virgin birth of Christ, Savior of Mankind. Peel any religion to the core, and you find love, tolerance, forgiveness and peace. But the most often overlooked word of caution in many followers' zeal to save the poor sinners, is to "judge not lest you be judged." It has to be understood that even if a belief system is unnamed, so long as it has truth at its core, it is no less valid than the one given credence by the Pope. Each individual can only come to 'God' in a way that he or she understands, and forcing it down anyone's throat is counterproductive, at best. Let your example be your testimony.

"We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart." --H. L. Mencken

Mare liberum

It's latin for open sea, and that pretty well sums up the atmosphere around here lately. I feel some changes coming down the pipe, and I need an outlet. I have no idea what direction I'm going to take this in, if it will go in any direction at all, or if it will merely stay true to its moniker and be a free-for-all spewing of day-to-day thoughts and ideas. Worst case scenario is that it turns out to be a complete waste of time, and then I've lost the half hour I've invested. OK. I'm in.