Someday, they're going to figure me out.

Sooooo.... Do you know what BKAT stands for? Basic Knowledge and Assessment Tool. Except it's anything but basic. Unfortunately, if I were I an ICU nurse, I would think that it was. Fortunately, I am not an ICU nurse. Yet. I got a 73% on that fucking thing, the worst test grade I've received since Mr. Hays told me after my high school algebra final that if I had come within 10% of passing the test, he would have passed me in the class. I think I got a 30 something. I'm not a math person. But I AM a nurse. And I have been for two and a half years. I should know most of this stuff, after all, we're always talking about how the IMSU has just as high of an acuity as the ICU's do. Mostly. I'm still trying to convince myself that I failed because I haven't seen a Swan line since 2008, or because I don't know where a PAOP measures pressure. But I'm not buying it. MONA. But the morphine isn't an initial treatment for angina pectoris. I need a new job. I need a new career. I need to start creating my own reality. I'm intelligent and creative enough that I shouldn't have to buy into everyone else's real world. There has to be a way out. These patients (or more often their families) don't understand that all this stuff doesn't really matter, that we're all just buying time, and some of us at a higher cost than others. I'll break my neck to titrate a levophed drip to perfection (maintaining a MAP of 65), know all the signs of increased intracranial pressure before it ever happens, and perform flawless trach care. I can (given the necessary orders) provide interventions that will perform (given the necessary machinery) every function that the miraculous human body is designed to perform. Kidneys, clean. Lungs, ventilate. Heart, pump. But that's not life. It's just mechanics. I've got my eye on something bigger.