A couple of my very favorite people in the world have conspired against my natural tendencies to give me something I've too long refused to give myself. I may have had a choice in the matter, however, it would most likely have caused them to reformulate their plans into one where I didn't, and it didn't seem wise to force their hand. Besides, I can't remember the last time I sat alone for an extended period of time with no company except for my own, and with no one to tend to but myself. And occasionally Pandora.....

My son is presently n the care of the love of my life, and my daughter at the zoo with my dearest friend who has also loaned me the use of her laptop, and cozy, quiet, and all-around adorable apartment. With a pumpkin liquer latte waiting for me upon my arrival.

I am refusing to allow myself to think about laundry, or work, or yard chores. There is nothing here calling me away from my task.... whatever that task is.

I've had two weeks to prepare for what I would do when I got here; I knew this was coming, it wasn't a surprise. I tried to plan it out, to make sure my time here was spent as efficiently as possible, but apparently, I am not only incapable of doing anyting for myself under everyday circumstances, I am also incapable of deciding what I would do with myself were my circumstances other than what they presently are. I live in survival mode. I would love to not.

 I have three hours ,a spiked latte, a gentle breeze, and a relatively high level of intelligence, and so it seems most appropriate to me to use this opportunity to address the barriers that keep me from being able to progress past the point where I am capable of no more than making it through the day.

 I blame my children, but my lack of knowledge of myself is only partially their fault. Inarguably, becoming a mother at the age of 19 isn't really conducive to robust personal development, but surely it doesn't have to be prohibitive. If I can organize myself, allocate my resources properly, there is no reason why I can't become on the outside the person I see inside of myself.